I WANT SOMETHING, BUT WHAT? – by Anonymous 3

Anonymous 3 took the Grind Café Writers’ Group “Free-write Challenge” at this year’s Summer Dreams Literary Arts Festival at Trout Lake, Vancouver. The brave drew random prompts then took a break from the fest to go sit under a tree, and let it rip for 10 minutes without stopping in a free-write—and see what emerged. Braver yet, they agreed to let us post their raw version. So remember, this is unedited, unfinished output. Thanks to all participants.
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Prompt:  This is the Wild Card, the Joker. You can write about anything.  

I guess maybe it’s like late midlife crisis. I keep feeling like—who the hell am I? What is my life worth? I can tell you some of it: where I’ve lived, where I studied and what, but I’m not sure that really means anything.

I struggle to figure out who my children are, who my grandchild will be. There are things I think I can do, but I haven’t done them. I have a story, lots of stories that I told my children, but the stories have drifted away and I’ve never written them down.

I don’t want this to be a litany of all the things I haven’t done. But I’m not sure who all the things I have done has made me.

I want to be non-judgmental, compassionate, thoughtful. But I want to write, I want to sing¸ I want to act. I want, yes. There’s a lot I seem to want. Now I have to do some of it. I must try. Take courage in hand. No, that’s pen in hand; yes and courage. I think I’m afraid I’ll be awful. Well, no I’m not really; I don’t think I’ll be awful. I just have to do it. All my life, I have been slow to grab what I want. I don’t think I’m shy, but I have trouble doing things I haven’t done before. It took me until my daughter was at university to finally finish a degree. If I did some writing—all those stories my daughter wants me to write—I think it would
help her to do her writing.

©2013 Anonymous 3